Dharun Ravi’s parents
VOICES: A
COMMUNITY
REACTS
A private family’s A private family’s
public predicament public predicament
PARESH GANDHI
‘The Rutgers case
brings to our attention
the need for an ongoing
dialogue within the
South Asian community
in the United States and
also the (Indian) sub-
continent. Intimidation
and bullying are always
wrong, but there is
always a cultural context
to it. Among South
Asian families, it is not
common to talk about
such issues and that stereotype stays in mind and
you act like those stereotypes. We certainly need to
talk about such things. Gay people also work and
interact with other South Asian families. They are
not weird. They are also engineers, lawyers, doctors.’
ARTHUR J PAIS
When the news broke in September 2010 that Dharun Ravi was to be charged with hate crime, invasion of privacy and many other crimes, his parents Ravi and Sabitha Pazhani might have
been upset over their older child’s — Ravi’s brother Jay is 10
— alleged acts, but they did not show their anger publicly.
A family friend, who wants to remain anonymous, remem-
bered one of Ravi’s parents lamenting: ‘Of the 40,000 stu-
dents at Rutgers why did it have to be my son who had to
share the room with ( Tyler) Clementi?’
Ravi and Clementi, both 18 when they met in the fall of
September 2010, had not known each other. Though Ravi
had high school friends staying in the Rutgers dorms, he took
up the room that was given to him and Clementi out of ran-
dom grouping.
“They are a very low-key family,” said Sandeep Sharma, a
friend and business partner of the Pazhani family.
“Appearing on television or in newspapers was the last thing
on their mind even if really good things were to happen to
them.”
As Pazhani built his software consultancy business, his
wife, who has a degree in liberal arts, stayed at home to bring
up their two children.
After the news of the suicide and Ravi’s arrest broke, the
couple was hounded for days — their address was tweeted by
an anonymous group of people — and received all kinds of
threats. They felt like “prisoners in their own home,” Sharma
added. For nearly six months they kept moving from one
friend’s home to another. Ravi and his parents are Indian cit-
izens, while Jay is an American citizen by birth.
Though the Pazhani couple, who lived in Chennai before
coming to the United States, maintained a low profile,
Pazhani was marginally involved as a contributor to politi-
cians. In 2007 he made a $500 donation to former New York
mayor Rudi Giuliani’s ill-fated presidential campaign.
At the time of Ravi’s high school graduation in 2010, his
parents bought space in the West Windsor and Plainsboro
High School North yearbook, The New Yorker reported. ’Dear
Dharun, It has been a pleasure watching you grow into a car-
ing and responsible person,’ the announcement said. ‘ You are
a wonderful son and brother… Keep up your good work.
Hold on to your dreams and always strive to achieve your
goals. We know that you will succeed.’
Ravi, who drove a BMW while living in the dorm some half
an hour’s driving distance from his home in Plainsboro, had
plans to major in math and economics. Though his parents
had instilled in him the importance of humility and service,
he could be brash and run down other young people who did
not come from rich families, friends and acquaintances told
The New Yorker.
Harsha Mallajosyula
advocacy director, Trikone, a San Francisco-based
nonprofit for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender
people of South Asian descent
‘This story is kind of a nightmare for every parent
who is raising kids in America — this digital and
media culture that they live in... Basically that the
police can see every communication that a young
person has. I know lots and lots of parents who are
talking about this... There’s no doubt that some of
the extra pressure (on this) case ( was) because of
how high profile it was. But one of the lessons that
we know in this country is that if you’re an immi-
grant you not only have to work harder than every-
body else, you have to be better than everybody else
and you have to be cleaner than everyone else.’
PARESH GANDHI
Sreenath Sreenivasan
dean, student affairs, Columbia School of
‘What if Dharun Ravi had a choice to select a
